Leaving a Violent Relationship
Preparing to Leave
Because violence can escalate when someone tries to leave, keep these things in mind before you leave:
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Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures of injuries.
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Keep a journal of all violence: noting dates, events and threats made, if possible. Keep your journal in a safe place.
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Know where you can go to get help. Tell someone what is happening to you.
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If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
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Plan with your children. Find a safe place for them to go for help, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
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Contact your local shelter and find out about laws/other resources available to you. Know your rights before you have to use them. WomensLaw.org has state by state legal information.
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Get job skills or take courses at a community college as you can.
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Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.
When You Leave
Make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. You may request a police escort or stand-by when you leave. If you have to leave in a hurry, use the following list of items as a guide to what you need to bring with you. Our advocates can help you come up with a personalized safety plan for leaving.
1) Identification
- Driver’s license
- Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates
- Social security cards
- Financial information
- Money and/or credit cards (in your name)
- Checking and/or savings account books
2) Legal Papers
- Protective order
- Copies of any lease or rental agreements, or the deed to your home
- Car registration and insurance papers
- Health and life insurance papers
- Medical records for you and your children
- School records
- Work permits/green Card/visa
- Passport
- Divorce and custody papers
- Marriage license
3) Emergency Numbers
- Your local police and/or sheriff’s department
- Your local domestic violence program or shelter
- Friends, relatives, and family members
- Your local doctor’s office and hospital
- County and/or District Attorney’s Office
4) Other
- Medications
- Extra set of house and car keys
- Valuable jewelry
- Pay-as-you-go cell phone
- Address book
- Pictures and sentimental items
- Several changes of clothes for you and your children
- Emergency money
After You Leave
Your safety plan should include ways to stay safe after leaving. Here are some safety precautions to consider:
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Change your locks and phone number.
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Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Have your phone number blocked so neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
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Change your work hours and the route you take to work.
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Change the route you take to your children's school or consider changing schools.
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Alert school authorities of the situation.
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If you have a restraining order, keep a copy of it with you at all times. Tell friends, neighbors, and employers that you have an active restraining order.
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Tell local police about the order and give copies to employers, neighbors, and schools, along with a picture of the offender.
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Consider renting a post office box or using a friend's address for your mail. (Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports.)
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Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
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Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of.
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Use different stores and visit different social spots.
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Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
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Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible.
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Install a motion-sensitive lighting system.
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Tell coworkers about the situation, and have your calls screened by a receptionist if possible.
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Tell people who take care of your children or drive them/pick them up from school and activities. Explain your situation to them, and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.